Just trivial thoughts on ghosting~~

 

Ghosting – when someone cuts off all communication without explanation —  extends to all things, it seems. Most of us think about it in terms of digital departure: a friend not replying to a text, or worse, a lover, but it occurs in all social situations and is linked to how we perceive the world. Requesting a beverage and then jetting may not appear to be the same as abandoning an undesirable romance, but it is. Uncomfortable? Simply do not reply. A ghost is a phantom, something we believe is present but is not.

Everyone has been a victim of ghosting or ghosting others at some point in their lives, especially in the 4.0 era, when we look for our life partners through social networking platforms like Tinder, Bumble,...It's difficult enough to keep real-life connections; it's impossible to be friends with everyone you're purportedly simpatico with online. In the dating industry, where people meet a lot of people outside of their social circles, there is a sense that if you ghost someone, you don't have a lot of accountability. You're just talking, but suddenly you realize there's no connection, and you don't want to talk anymore... But you're frightened of having difficult talks like "Hey, I don't want to talk." Also, you have “something”  that I don't feel like." Because I'm fairly sensitive, I've never ghosted others; I haven't entirely ended the conversation, but I have (many times) halted it and don't want to explain why I don't want to continue it.

From what I researched, there are different levels of ghosting. It is called lightweight ghosting, midweight ghosting and third wave. “Midweight is when you’ve met a person a handful of times and you engage in deep avoidance, which hurts their feelings more”. “Third wave is the heavyweight, when you’ve entered a sexual relationship and you leave, blindsiding the other.”

Staying connected to others has evolved as a human survival skill. Our brains have what’s called a social monitoring system that uses mood, people and environmental cues to coach us on how to respond situationally. But when you get ghosted, there’s no closure, so you question yourself and make choices that sabotage self-worth and self-esteem. 

Ghosting has a lot to do with a person's level of comfort and how they deal with their emotions. Many people believe that discussing their feelings will result in a confrontation. People are more likely to avoid things that make them uncomfortable as a result of this mental expectation. When it comes to complex relationships, the ease and sheer abundance of options have rendered us emotionally numb. I believe that most individuals prefer ghosting because being vulnerable is the number one thing that promotes intimacy between people, and they are constantly afraid of being wounded, which is what causes so much ghosting.

So, why ghosting?

Okay, so hear me out! Since I’m no expert on psychology or “love” ^^ But after doing a little research; I would like to deliver my opinion according to Hume’s Epistemology. 

Hume's analysis of human belief begins with a careful distinction among our mental contents: impressions are the direct, vivid, and forceful products of immediate experience; ideas are merely feeble copies of these original impressions. Hume supposed, the most obvious point is a negative one: causal reasoning can never be justified rationally. In order to learn, we must suppose that our past experiences bear some relevance to present and future cases. But although we do indeed believe that the future will be like the past, the truth of that belief is not self-evident. In fact, it is always possible for nature to change, so inferences from past to future are never rationally certain. Thus, in Hume's view, all beliefs in matters of fact are fundamentally non-rational.

Consider Hume's favourite example: “Our belief that the sun will rise tomorrow. Clearly, this is a matter of fact; it rests on our conviction that each sunrise is an effect caused by the rotation of the earth. But our belief in that causal relationship is based on past observations, and our confidence that it will continue tomorrow cannot be justified by reference to the past. So we have no rational basis for believing that the sun will rise tomorrow. Yet we do believe it!”

Hume believed that our emotions had a greater influence on us than reason. On one level, this may be an insult to our self-esteem, but Hume believed that if we could learn to deal with this unexpected fact well, we would be calmer and happier, both individually and collectively, than if we denied it. We normally assume that we must train our minds to be as rational as possible, devoted to facts and logical reasoning, and committed to keeping our emotions out of the way. But, as Hume pointed out, no matter what we strive for, the reason is a slave of desire. Few of our leading convictions had driven by rational investigations of the facts. We make decisions about who is commendable, what to do with our free time, what defines a good career, and who to love based on our feelings above all else. Reason can aid a little, but the key variables are entwined with our emotional lives, or "passions," as Hume refers to them. We decide if a concept is lovely or dangerous and call it true or incorrect only on that basis. Reason only enters the picture later to back up the initial attitude. That's why Ghosting someone isn't always a rational act; we actually...followed...the heart?!

Hume pointed out that there is no such thing as a core self. "When I enter most intimately into what I call "myself"," "I always stumble on some particular perception or other, heat or cold, love or hatred, light or shade. pain or pleasure, I never can catch "myself" at any time without a perception and can never observe anything but the perception”. Hume concluded that we aren't really the neat definable people reason tells us that we are and that we seem to be when we look at ourselves in the mirror or casually use that grand and rather misleading word “I”. Trying to be rational about everything is a special kind of madness. Maybe ghosting in this context relates to "madness," because we think there's a purpose to ghost one or the other? 

Is there any way to get out of this? 

I can't provide you with any sound advice or show you how to avoid being "Ghosted." I have no idea why this even happened to me. But I know one thing for sure: “It's critical to remember that if someone ghosts you, it says more about them than it does about you”. Changing how we reject people, I believe, is one approach to break the pattern. Be open and honest about your boundaries, whether you're going to the movies with someone or spending the rest of your life with them. Just be truthful. It may sound harsh, but being in limbo is preferable. Taking the risk of telling someone how you really feel, even if it is not what they want to hear, has benefits. Consider self-esteem, stress, blood pressure, and spending more time with individuals you care about. Having that time restored allows for self-discovery.

The relationship is fascinating, I mean the whole concept of deciding to co-exist with another human being who you’ve met for who knows what reasons; a stranger choose and who choose you. But as fascinating they are, breaks up are really, really weird. You know you go sharing this path of life with another human being, to walking without them. A lot of people compare it to feeling like someone passed away. It’s kinda bizarre when you think about it. But as bizarre as it might be, it’s life. It’s something most people go through at some point in their life. At this very moment, there are probably many, many couples around the world sleeping next to each other right now for the last time, and they might not even know it yet. And with that being said, everyone’s relationships and breakups and situations are different. Now regardless of how your breakup happened - if u did it, they did it, it was mutual. I mean it doesn’t matter, because the point is that it didn’t work out and your paths are now separated, regardless of who or how it happened. So I think the question to ask is “How can you make the most out of this opportunity for growth, as you heal and as you move forward in life, and so that you can become a better you?”

First thing first, I don’t think the very initial time after a break-up is the time to try to pressure yourself into trying to be rational. I think it’s time to just let yourself react naturally; to let yourself be human for a moment. Within reason, of course, meaning without causing any harm to yourself or to anyone else. How long that “initial time” is, is completely individual. There’s no exact timeline or structure to follow, there’s no step by step program or checklist because you can’t structure your feelings, especially after a breakup where our emotions are very much like a rollercoaster.

The words we use to tell tales about various events in our life have a major impact on how we feel about them and how we feel about ourselves. So it's not about changing or manipulating the narrative, or sugarcoating or altering reality to make oneself feel better; it's simply about rephrasing. For example, suppose you were with someone who wasn't very friendly to you, and you're now beating yourself up about it because you feel like a fool, telling yourself how foolish you were for staying and how you should've known better.. Generally speaking, I don’t think that’s very productive. Instead, you might say something like, I’m proud to be the type of person who takes loyalty and commitment seriously, but I’ve learned that it can be a weakness of mine because I tolerate more than I should. I’ve learned now that my well-being comes before all of that”.

This is just an example, of course.

So I definitely believe that we should allow ourselves to feel. You know we shouldn't attempt to run away or to completely eliminate negative feelings and thoughts. So whether you like it or not; we only have to resurface…

Now, the purpose of this isn't to dwell and ruminate; it's to learn; much like how you'd go over an exam if you didn't get the desired result, you need to know what happened so you can take notes for the next time. If reflecting on a prior relationship feels too intense and unpleasant, it's possible that it's too soon. However, examining it as an outsider, as if you were critiquing a movie, can be beneficial. If you're having difficulty seeing things objectively, it could be because it's too soon. However, having someone close to you assist you can be beneficial. But be wary: some people may simply tell you what they believe you want to hear, or they will speak based on their own personal views and preferences. And maybe that's what you're looking for. Whatever you do, keep in mind that not everyone's point of view is valid or worth listening to. It's also crucial to note that this isn't something you should let yourself obsess on, spending every minute attempting to discover answers and comprehend every detail of what happened. That would be ineffective. Your mission here isn’t to cleanse the bottom of the ocean and unveil all its secrets; your mission is to dive just deep enough to where you can pick up a few things of value, truly understand them and carry them with you into the future.

Last but not least; I do hope you will have a sweet dream~~

The Perfect Dreamer